Oh Baby

So I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but I have been particularly weepy and emotional lately and a lot of it has to do with change and growing up. My growth and my daughter’s growth seem to be happening at the same time for a moment and while I’m happy we get to experience new things in our own little worlds, I am sad to be moving on. I am a very nostalgic person and I tend to hold on really really tightly to the past. Nothing wrong with looking fondly on the past except it hinders my enjoyment of the present and slows down my planning for the future.

Part of the past I find myself holding onto with a death grip is Emma’s babyhood. I know I am doing this partly because it is still somewhat fresh in my mind and I want to preserve every second but the other reason I am doing it is because…I miss having a baby. EEK did I really just type that? Yeah I did. In fact, for the past few weeks/ months I have been somewhat baby crazy. I know a lot of people who are getting ready to have babies (a lot of 2^nd and 3^rd babies) and I want in. I really want a snuggly little blob that just pops and eats. Nothing wrong with my toddler, I definitely love this stage so far, it’s just hard to nostalgically and physically hold onto a little person who is moving so fast.

I also keep hearing “So when is the next one” like every other day and I would really like to just bust out a sono photo and go BOOM there it is! I know however the three things I need to be in order are not there. Mentally, I just started a new job and a new routine so I need time to adjust to all of that. Physically, I am still carrying about 15 lbs extra from my first pregnancy and I would like to be closer to my original weight. Financially, yes I have been fortunate to get a new job but, it is still very small potatoes and we really need to save up to get into a better neighborhood first. That all being said, my baby dreams will have to be put on hold at least for another year. SORRY PWOC fans but the pitter patter of Patterson feet will have to wait another year at least. For now, I will be happily holding, feeding, and snuggling all of my friends’ babies, enjoying my time with my own loveable “baby” and continuing to look forward to the day when we can add to our own family.

Why Things Change: An Open Letter to My 15 Month Old

Dear Emma,

It seems to be that time again. The changing of the seasons. We don't have to much control over time, just what we do with it. I am guilty myself of wasting it myself, although I am learning each and every day how to make the most of it. I bring up change and time because on Monday, I will start a new job and our afternoon time together is going to change. New routines will be born, new THINGS but what I am determined to remain is getting that precious time just the two of us.

Since you were born we have been fortunate enough to share every afternoon together. Some were spent sick, others were spent cranky, but most were full of fun and laughter. Through all the crazy weather, we somehow always made it home right before the storm, every time.

Our afternoons started out simple and sweet. You didn't get around to much and we were both content to giggle and snuggle. It was on one such afternoon that I heard you laugh for the first time.

Then you needed more space to stretch out, so accommodations were made. I will never forget the time you could finally scoot yourself over to me. You always tried to push the physical boundaries of your little body and I enjoyed watching you persevere.

Time passed too fast and suddenly, you were no longer happy on a small little blanket, you needed more space to explore.

A corner suddenly turned into the whole house and now you happily go running up and down the hallway squealing and laughing at the sound of your own echo.

 

 

You move really fast and it is difficult to capture you sitting still. You usually end up an enthusiastic blur

This has been the evolution of our afternoons together and I know there is more to come.

Growing up is a part of life and you are growing everyday. What I have learned though is that growing up does not stop as you get older. You always change and evolve. Even now, I am still growing and changing and the time has come for me to grow at work. I am moving on to learn more and experience new things. With this comes a change in our day. I had been feeling a lot of guilt about this until I realized that I am still growing up. I still need to live my life. You will always be my number one priority and I am going to do my best to preserve our time together because it is the most precious thing to me. I just want you to understand the decision that I made and I hope, just like I will do for you, you will be in my corner cheering me on through every new experience. Because life is short and I still plan on having a lot of new experiences.

These afternoons together have meant the world to me since I know all to soon they will be filled with after school activities and homework and eventually you grabbing the car keys and running out the door. Even when our time fills up with all of these things I hope we can take a moment, grab a blanket, and spend some time together.

Love,
Mom

Navigating Through Life

 

 

Recently on PWOC (aka: this blog, yeah I just made up an awesome acronym BOOM) you might have noticed some back and forth on my part when it came to deciding on whether or not to start a new job. I have been waiting to hear back on my start date which took a little bit longer than expected which gave my indecisive, anxiety ridden mind plenty of time to flip flop its way into an emotionally drained wreck.

There have been a million different (read hypothetical and probably unlikely to ever happen) scenarios running through my overly active mind and I have been trying to sort through all of my emotions and pick out what will make me and my family happy while maintaining some functionality (even though we tend to run on the slightly more dysfunctional around here.) There were several big, life altering questions I kept running into:

1.       Do I take this new job? Do I take another job? Do I say screw it all and stay at home?

2.       If I take the job how can I maximize time with my family because I will be spending more time commuting?

3.       Should I put Emma in a new daycare closer to my new job which will ultimately give us more time together but could possibly be emotionally challenging to Emma?

Thus why things have been pretty quiet around here. I’m not sure I can fully express the emotional toil I painstakingly went through to get answers to each of these questions, but I am going to try to sum it up. After weeks of what ifs and how about thats it finally hit me on a very sacred and incredibly infrequent (read: never ever happens) solo car ride. I finally put my big girl pants on and realized I am an adult now and this is still my life. My hopes and dreams matter and if they also happen to benefit my family all the better. I really want this job. I have been working for 14 years of my life and finally I have a real career, something I can work hard at and make a name for myself. Like I have in the past, I want to be the best at my job. I want to be sought after for my expertise. So finally, with confidence I can say, I’m all in.

Next (but never second really in my decision making) would be my family. After some thought, for right now, I have decided to leave Emma in her current daycare. Yes it is in my old office building and YES it logistically makes no sense to keep her there right now, but I am very apprehensive about putting her into a new daycare situation when hopefully in the next year or so we will be moving which will mean a permanent new daycare/ school situation. I am still going to check out a few other centers but for now, this place is all she has known and I don’t feel comfortable moving her (if she is anything like her mother change could be hard to handle.) The other reason for this is there is a slight, VERY small possibility that I might end up back at my old job. – more on this later if certain circumstances fall into place.

It all sounds so simple when I type it out into a few paragraphs but trust me, each decision was the result of many nights crying , researching, and conversing with my husband along with one epiphany on a highway. For now, I know this is the best course of action for my family and I fully plan on following through with everything. We shall see how things unfold from here. As for me now, wish me luck! My new journey begins on Monday!  

Conversations with People Who Don’t Have Kids

 

I did something uncharacteristic this past weekend…I went out solo to a hip, trendy location to hang out with my friend and her friends for her birthday. As I was getting dressed, I realized I had no clue what was socially acceptable “going out” clothing seeing as how it has been a while since I have had the opportunity to hang out with adults not in a playground setting. After piecing together an outfit consisting of jeans and a shirt (jeans I thought were a safe bet and shirts are nice too I suppose), I made my way over to the hip spot hoping to blend in. I ended up calling my friend to follow her over to the place since I forgot the directions she gave me twice. I knew my exhausted mom cranium wasn’t going to be able to handle directions so I did the probably not cool thing and planned ahead.

I spent almost as much time trying to find parking as I did at the event, but hey I was being hip and trendy ok? Luckily I snagged a spot I didn’t have to pay for (eek I know my frugal mom persona snuck in on my trendiness.) I know should have paid a ridiculous amount for parking…but not to fear I bounced back in the trendy department when I had to walk 20 blocks in somewhat uncomfortable scandals and I quadrupled my points by sitting on an extremely uncomfortable bar stool for several hours. I did lose major pointage when I did not order any alcohol. I literally, no joke, got booed by the waitress. I knew if I even got a strong enough whiff of alcohol I would pass out in my own drool from exhaustion.

But it seems in my long winded, two paragraph opener that I have migrated away from my original point. For the first time in a long time, I was in the presence of a group of people who did not have kids. Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of friends that don’t have kids but that’s just the thing, they are my friends so they graciously allow me and my diaper explosion stories to dominate conversations. Here however, I was completely out of my element. I was hanging out with a group of people I barely knew for my friend’s birthday celebration. They were all her friends of which I knew little about. Honestly though after hearing the sound of my own voice saying “No don’t put that in your mouth” a hundred times that day, I was ok with sitting back and letting someone else do the talking.

And talk they did! There were points during the conversation I cringed and then other times I wanted to laugh until the chic water I was drinking came out of my nose. These poor clueless people! What gave the scenario an interesting twist was that all of the childless people also  happened to be teachers so they interact with children every day. I commend anyone who has the patience to work with kids on a daily basis, but it was interesting to me to hear them talk with me being so obviously on the parent side of the parent/ teacher conversation. I am the person who right now could be screwing up my child psychologically to later send off to annoy a teacher  who will later end up somewhere sitting in a bar complaining about their annoying students. GRAND!

 It wasn’t really upsetting, more of an eye opener. Basics I got from the experience:  I understand the teacher’s perspective now and I also am reevaluating sending Emma to public school. Out of the entire conversation though I did get to chime in here and there and I told them that I wondered if their perspectives would change once they had kids (knowing that they almost certainly will). They all seemed to be somewhat receptive to the idea, but the craziest (read: I have mommy brained my way into forgetting what it’s like not to have kids) thing to me was how absolutely oblivious they were to what I know as common parental knowledge. Then I thought back to when I was childless and realized I was the biggest proponent of the “I don’t care” attitude when it came to people explaining raising a child. So I completely understand where they are coming from. I just want to fast forward 5 years, to a bar, where all of these people find themselves checking their watches worrying about babysitter costs and refusing alcoholic beverages because you never know when you will be able to sleep through the night.

The Toddler Room

 

 

It happened. One of my worst nightmares has become a reality. My sweet baby is transitioning into the toddler room at daycare. The. TODDLER. room. people! As in there really is no looking back, babyhood is gone. To be honest, for the past week or two it had occurred to me that a room full of immobile, flailing babies was not a super fun place for my active toddler to hang around in all day so in a way, I am glad they started transitioning her. She does fit in better with the circle times and the regular playground trips of the toddler class. Deep down I knew this transition was coming sooner rather than later. We actually saw the end of the last little bit of babyhood at home as well. Emma used her last bottle over a week ago. We had actually been holding onto her morning bottle since that was the easiest for me to give her while I got ready for work but we ended up switching over to the sippy cup which eventually lead to a demand for a real breakfast (I can’t blame her) which lead to actual food before leaving the house (we leave the house before 6:30am every morning so throwing together any type of breakfast is a challenge. Bananas and Cheerios have become my best friends.)

But back to the toddler room. In all actuality, it is set up for munchkins Emma’s size and it is an exciting place. It has big floor to ceiling windows on the side that let in a lot of light (the baby room had skylights.) It has a carpeted area with tons of books for independent reading and story time. It has a “big kid” table and chairs (no more floor high chairs). There is a little kitchen area set up on one side and a whole bunch of new toys to discover. I haven’t done a complete walk around yet but the place looks like heaven for a toddler. I haven’t talked to them about their routines or curriculum yet, but I know they do circle time with songs, learn their shapes and letters, and they have story time and outdoor play, weather permitting. All in all it does sound pretty awesome.

Then I think back to the bottles we just packed away last weekend, and the room that I have dropped her off in every day since the first day she started daycare. It’s all we’ve ever known. The room she learned to crawl and walk in, the room I used to come down to see her every day before she started her clingy phase, the same little room. Just like in life I guess everyone expands their world and moves on to new things, that’s how we learn and grow. I just thought we would maybe have a little more time with a snuggly baby, but like the moms told me, it went by way to fast. So with that, I will head to Emma’s new room to pick her up every day where she will make new memories and achieve new milestones. All of this just one door away, one door closer to growing up.