Sunday, May 3, 2015

Earning My Motherhood Badges

I haven’t written in a while but that doesn’t mean a lot hasn’t been going on. In fact, so much has happened that I needed some time away from this space to process it all. We started (and ended) looking for a house. We put it on hold again for now. We enthusiastically watched the entire series of the Walking Dead in one month (amazing but exhausting.) I’ve been busy working on Emma’s third birthday which I am hoping will be less stressful than last year although I caved and decided on an extended family and friends gathering. And of course there is my ever evolving Emma. I think with impending changes ahead (a move and who knows what else), I have been hyper focused on her. With the constant worry that we might not be able to have another child and the fact that moving will hinder our afternoons (and even our mornings) together, I have been holding on, perhaps too tight, to my little person.

Through all stages of childhood come different phases of coping and learning for moms (and dads). I seem to need to read and study as much as I can on each piece in order to feel prepared for it. That seems to be what gets me through as a type A loon. Here lately though I found a peaceful lull where I have just been enjoying Emma’s development as it progresses on its own. I gave up the hard core potty training and the tourcherous letter reviewing and we’ve all been the better for it. I’m happy to say with the exception of nights, Emma is potty trained! And just the other day she picked up something and asked what the letters were. Her curiosity and her understanding of concepts growsevery day. She will come to me with questions about routine tasks we’ve done a thousand times just because she finally noticed something about it she wanted to learn. 

She’s picking up a lot more on her feelings and the feelings ofthose around her too. She talks about the kids at school all the time and has begun to ask for a brother or sister pretty regularly. She really wants someone her age to play with (I guess she figured out mommy and daddy aren’t as cool as a bunch of 4 year olds.) She even asked if some kids could come over to the house to play. I don’t know any of the kids at her school too well yet or their parents so I’m not sure about that one. For this reason, I almost feel guilty picking her up from school now, rather than beating myself up for getting their a minute late. I’ve even stopped at the store on my way to pick her up to give her a few extra minutes to play with the kids. The other day, she asked to play with “the big kids” across the street. I reluctantly told her she could as long as her daddy went with her. 

I guess my new nonchalant, go with the flow, parenting is getting to me. I’m not ready for this new independent streak. I didn’t think it would come this soon. She’s still young enough that I believe all of the kids have good intentions but I know there will come a day when she gets hurt or teased and I want to be there for her and know just want to say. So yup, I’m back to reading up on that, like intensely. I want to have the kind of relationship with her where she feels comfortable talking to me. I want to give her good advice. Mostly, I want to be close to her.For now, I can’t get passed this independent stage (and a part of me might never). After sleep training, potty training, bottle weaning, teaching her what not to put in her mouth, teaching her not to hit, weathering tantrumsetc you’d think I’d be seasoned enough to take on the next challenge but I find that this next Motherhood badge, teaching independence and being ok with it, might just be the hardest one of all.

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