The Balance

Throughout my year and a half journey as a parent I have really gone through the ringer. I’ve been put into a lot of new and…um…interesting shall we say situations. As I look back on all of the times I’ve beaten myself up for not getting it all done flawlessly, I realize how much of a waste of time that self beating really was. I was doing my best. I am still doing my best because there is no perfect. Sometimes there is no best, it just is what it is. Of course the culmination of my ramblings is to get to the point that I finally feel like I have a balance to it all.

Don't misinterpret and come to take it as I have it all because I don't. Or that I have it all together because we all know I never will (and I kind of like that way.) But, I fell like I have momentarily unlocked the magic balance to workingmomdom for me. I say for me because my version of feeling balanced potentially greatly differs from anyone else. And let's face it, the true magic balance of anything is a place that exists down the rabbit hole in Narnia at track number 9 3/4 if you get my drift. There’s no having it all, but I finally feel like I am as balanced as I will ever be. I am finally adjusting to my new job and work load. The work is challenging and fulfilling without being overwhelming all the time (but we all know work can become overwhelming at times.) I also feel like the time I spend with Emma is truly quality. With the exception of needing a few minutes to quietly unwind when I get home each day, I am 100% focused on her. Every day I do my best to become more and more patient with my toddler. Some days I’m too exhausted for anything but other days I am able to sweep my exhaustion under the rug and spend hours in her world. With the crippling weather we've been having here lately, there have been many, many hours in Emmaland. But it's not just balancing my time that has fallen into place but my whole psyche seems to have aligned. I find myself more patient and more willing to compromise.

Finding this balance has been a huge accomplishment for me, particularly the patience piece. I lose my cool too easily a lot of times and let the littlest things get on my nerves. Slowing down and living in the moment have really helped me stay focused. I usually hate when I read someone say that they have found peace "living in the moment" because it sounds like a load of bs but I actually did accomplish this the other day. We’ve been having trouble getting Emma to sleep at night since we have actually stuck to one of our two family new years resolutions, going binkiless and potty training Emma (yeah potty training has gone temporarily out the window.) Without the binki, she keep crying after we initially would lay her down (usually when the soothing power of the binki would kick in.) I would go into her room a few times for a minute or two after the initial lay down and try to sooth her but she would just pop back up again. Well the other night, I finally gave it some thought and decided to be patient and just give her the time she needed. After I turned off the light I stayed next to her crib and talked with her for a while until she finally ended up yawning. I made my exit about ten minutes later without any tears shed. I was so thrilled it all worked out. That solution was simple and I feel like somehow I came to it because I allowed myself to. I gave myself the time I needed.

I am still slowly working toward being a patient mother. I am still working at a lot of things. I'm also acutely aware that over the course of the next few months our lives will be getting very busy with different activities and if all goes well, a move. I know things can never stay as they are which is the spice of life and I try to keep the future at a safe distance, which is why right now I am taking my time and enjoying everything as it is. I'm loving the balance.