The Epiphany

Truly profound moments in life seem to be few and far between. As a parent however, I find more and more "aha" moments in my day to day. Paying attention to the simple things, finding humor in the smallest situations, overcoming the last hurdle to achieving a true accomplishment, all of these have happened to me in the past year and a half. As a seeker of perfection, I am the type of person who hyper focuses on something until I get it right. When it comes to parenting, there is a never ending stream of events, milestones, and challenges that constantly inundate every moment, every thought. That's an overwhelming amount of times I need to "get it right." Every motion is to get that desired result, the successful development of a human being which is a long winded way of saying it is an exhausting, all consuming process.

Over the past year and a half I have had several moments of clarity where I have been able to piece together the full mosaic of my life, to see all of the details and know what needs to be done. Those events are a rarity and usually fleeting as new obstacles and situations arise daily. This weekend however I received a rare gift. An epiphany, a moment of clarity where I was able to really focus and see what I needed in my life. There's so much I expend energy on; my child, my husband, my family, my friends, and work. I set high expectations for myself and I push myself to the breaking point sometimes to make sure I exceed everyone's expectations, including my own (as unrealistic as they probably are.) While I stumble along trying to accomplish all of these fantastic feats, I seem to have forgotten one person who's expectations and desires no longer even register on my radar...my own.

In all honesty, in the past few months I had been existing day to day. Same routine, same activities because consistency creates order and that seems to be a necessity in my life. It also seems to be a side effect of getting older. I like having a routine, but I never wanted it to define me. I never wanted to stop living or enjoying life to the fullest. I have never been a "go through the motions" type of person but I think that between not being challenged enough at work and having a good routine down with Emma, I just sort of found myself in that situation. I was so steeped in this existence that I didn't even realize anything was missing, that is until recently. With the start of a new job, I was suddenly jolted out of that routine. Suddenly I was in a new and exciting environment surrounded with new possibilities.

One thing specifically I came to be aware of in my lackluster existence was I had stopped enjoying music. Music used to be such a big part of my life. I also had really scaled back on doing anything for myself that I used to enjoy; creating, spending time with friends, going an adventures with my husband,  overall enjoying time and space with my own thoughts that didn't involve panicking over some parental "failure." This weekend, I took the first step to making myself whole again. I hung out with friends. I went to the gym by myself and did it all at my own pace. I took my time. I enjoyed my time. Best of all, I went to the first live music performance I've been to in two years. It was glorious. It was my spark. It was the epiphany moment. I found what I didn't even realize I had been missing. I realized a part of me had shut down and I had lost the true feeling of being alive. I will never be 20 years old again. I don't have the luxury or desire to be spontaneous and carefree all the time (which got me into trouble in the past anyways.) More than ever I am aware that those days are behind me, I have responsibilities, but why can't I still enjoy life like I used to? So there I was, at a concert for a musician I had loved as a carefree 20 year old and still love just as much a decade later. His performance changed, he added a band. Of course he doesn't do a one man show any more, he's grown and thus evolved, but his music is still great. Just like I have grown, I have changed and adapted to my new environment but that doesn't mean I can't still be great; laugh at ridiculous things or dance like an idiot for no reason. This is my life and I want to enjoy it.

I've read many accounts of other mothers who have come to the realization that they lost part of who they were and without even realizing it, that was me. Now that I have found my missing pieces, I truly know what they meant. I feel alive again and I am able to take this new found wholeness and put it into everything else in my life to make it that much better. `I just need to hold onto this realization, this moment, so I wrote it down. In case I ever find myself in the same place again I can flip back here and see how I found myself. That's why this post is so honest, because I wrote it for myself and who knows, maybe it will resonate with someone else too.