The Complicated Process of Me Time

I have not been writing like I normally do. It’s not writers block. It’s not like I don’t want to rush to my key board every time I see Emma dance or have a funny mishap happen at the grocery store or when the annoying woman in the cubical adjacent to mine incessantly scrapes the bottom of her yogurt cup every day. I want to dissect the meaning of each situation I encounter and share my overall thoughts on this wondrous world I find myself in. It’s just I have finally found some sort of balance, some sort of flow to the day where I reach the end and begin the next in a predictable repetition and I like it.

I have seemed to stumble onto a momentary island of piece where I could possibly be storing all of my quiet, reflective moments for a much crazier time. I maybe storing them up to return to this island later or I might be actually cashing in my need for serenity now. Either way, my routine is down and I have found a way to carve out time for myself that does not involve cleaning, cooking, changing poppy diapers or starting at spreadsheets and I like it. After Emma goes to sleep around 6:30pm I enter the magnificent time that is just for me to do whatever I please! Even though I have managed to capture this time for myself, I seem to have unshakable thoughts of uncertainty running through my head during this time. Shouldn’t I be finishing the laundry from last weekend? I have a great story to share, shouldn’t I blog? Did I get all of the bills paid? There is a pile of dishes in the sink…maybe I should do something about that? How’s about I get a head start on making baby food for the rest of the week?

I have resolved this back and forth with two resolutions: I end up saving all of the mundane tasks for later or I multi-task them (ie. wash the bottles/dishes while simultaneously cooking dinner). So for now, I am selfishly rolling around in this space and time, me time, and savoring every unread page, every unwatched dvr show, and every freshly painted nail of it all. This little bit of time for myself in the evening has become a most sacred time for me and sometimes I do not want to share it with other tasks. Does that make me a bad mother? Nope. It actually makes me a more relaxed, refreshed mom! I will get to my pot of gold at a turtle’s pace if need be and that is just fine with me. For now, with the lack of vacation time and it looking like there will be few mommy only moments in the near future, I will take this time however I please! I will abuse it and use it badly to watch crapy tv and read idiotic teen sci-fi novels and I will laugh to myself with glee!

I will ever get everything done in a day, it just doesn’t happen, but for now I am enjoying me time. It was complicated getting here and I maybe harboring complex side thoughts about how I am using my time, but I love it.