Pink Eye and Mommy Guilt: How I Manage to Stay in a Funk

I can’t seem to shake my mommy guilt lately. In fact I feel like I am floating away on the rapids of Bad Mother Creek. I am being slowly stifled by the feeling of inadequacy and I am doing my darndest to make it stop.

You see it all started last week when Emma was diagnosed with pink eye in both eyes and an ear infection. And this was no ordinary pink eye; this was the mucus king of pink eyes. I’m talking that green blob monster from the Mucinex commercials and all of his family members where congregating at my child’s tear ducts at an alarming rate. I had been reading recently how antibiotics where not necessary to combat ear infections and I almost waved my newfound knowledge in front of the pediatrician, but since the pink eye situation was obviously out of control I kept my “M.D.” mouth shut. So instead of trying to negotiate a medical cure for my child, I end up walking out of the place with a prescription for a very strong antibiotic. So strong, that I was instructed by the pediatrician to buy a probiotic meant for a 25lb kid (mine is 19lbs) to combat the copious amounts of bowel movements to come. Grand!

This happened on Friday morning so I was hoping by the following week things would be back in order for Emma to go to daycare as I am out of leave and now in a situation where I have to work or else not get paid. If I do not get paid I cannot pay for daycare. If I cannot pay for daycare I cannot afford to work in which I lose my family’s health benefits and all hope of moving out of our bad neighborhood (there was a shooting literally a few blocks away from us on Sunday). So you see where my guilt comes in contrast to my need to provide for my family leading to extreme stress which drains me physically and mentally. It is a really bad spot to be in but every time Emma gets sick I go through the same cycle all over again.

She has to be on the antibiotic for 10 days…10 days of not working cannot happen so, I had to take my child who was loaded up with antibiotics and probiotics to daycare (it was approved by the pediatrician). I wanted to be the one to make sure her diaper stayed dry and to give her cuddles when she wasn’t feeling well. I want to be the one to take care of her and be with her always, but then the thoughts of gang violence go dancing through my head and I put my guilt aside for the long term safety and wellbeing of my family. And pretty much these feelings cycle through me once a month (that’s how often she has been getting sick). It’s crippling really and I can only blame myself for not being more careful and getting pregnant before we were financially ready even thought I was told I could not get pregnant (story on that to follow). I’ve gone so far as to barely let her out of the house all winter long for fear she might catch something even though both her and I hate being stuck inside all day. However, I have not lost all hope. I know that warmer weather and fewer sick days are just around the corner so I am looking forward to those times to come to lift my spirits and bring health to my baby. I just have to hang on a little bit longer.